Today, folks, we’re going to learn about language and posture.

Because Psychology is both the most important, and most intellectually challenging subject known to man, you need to learn the language. Be warned: this can take a lifetime.

Psychological language is important for many, many, many (a lot) of reasons.

1) First and foremost it is about making yourself seem a lot more intelligent than you actually are. Whereas we would say, “S/he’s fucking crazy!” they might use words such as, “Psychotic, Schizophrenic, or Dead”.

2) It is important to make your patient comfortable. Confusing them with long meaningless words makes them feel important and unique in diagnosis. Also, it doesn’t bear well to actually say, “You are fucking crazy”.

3) It is a great way of getting yourself into the medical dictionaries. All you do is pick an object, and become scared of, or obsessed by the object. Now that you are scared of, or are obsessed by the object, you have a problem. Give the problem a name, and we have ourselves a new word.

Eg. Fostaiphobia – The fear of shite lager.

Posture is equally important in putting the patient at ease. By the simple task of crossing your legs, and touching your beard, you put yourself on a pedestal above the patient, making them believe you are superior. With this comes the task of giving off an extreme air of arrogance. Coupled with making condescending comments, you will make your patient feel mentally unworthy and generally shit about themselves.

If you can make your patient feel shit about themselves, they will forget about the problem they came in for.

Next Lesson: Over-charging and giving yourself grey high-lights